Here I am writing my first book. Can you guess where I am located as I am writing this ? Alright, enough guessing. I’m currently in a psychiatric ward. Yes, no lie. What better time to start writing my first book, right? I guess you are wondering how did I get into a psychiatric ward. Great question! Don’t worry, it’s not my first time in one, but we will get into that a little later. I ended up here because I stopped putting myself as a priority when it came to my mind, body, spirit, and emotions. I lost my happiness, and I lost myself because I was seeking love externally. By the way, my name is Queen, Queen Tiffany Rose that is. My mother gave me a name that my Grandmother was proud to call when I was a little girl. I was a Queen in her eyes, but if she saw where I am now, I doubt she will be able to say the same. I've been in a mental battle between the Mad Queen and the Queen of Hearts. I must explain there is a significant difference between the two, and they both are at war inside of my head and have been for quite some time.
You see the Mad Queen deals with depression, anxiety, stress, grief, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurities and last but not least having a broken heart. The Mad Queen deals with all these issues starting at a very early age. She was around the age of seven when she got her very first taste of pain from life and from there she tried to numb her pain through eating and promiscuity. She weighed over 300 pounds for most of her adult life, and because her self-esteem was so low, she allowed people to use her in more ways than one. The Mad Queen did not know who she was and what was her purpose in life. She didn’t know her destiny and didn't know the things she was doing to herself was jeopardizing her from ever being able to reach her destiny. Her heart has been broken numerous times by those the Mad Queen trusted and had given high expectations. She is afraid of stepping out into the forefront in front of people, and she is scared of her voice being heard. Mad Queen is worried no one would want to listen to what she has to say because no one would even notice her because of her visible imperfections and of the mistakes she has made throughout her life. She is afraid of judgment from God, and from the world, she tries so hard to survive in.
The Queen of Hearts, well she is remarkable, confident, funny, intelligent, beautiful… no, she is straight gorgeous and takes no shit from nobody. She is so goal driven, and such a hard worker and many people admire her drive and passion for achieving the very best in life. She has a heart for people and loves helping others in need. When she walks into a room, her presence sets the tone and people admire her grace, her elegance, and her spirit. She knows whom she is, her destiny and has fought to have the very best in life. She surpasses your average lady, for she is the Queen of Hearts and oh how she gracefully captures the many hearts around the world.
These two, the Mad Queen and the Queen of Hearts are at war with each other, and each one of them wants the other to die. It’s a battle between life and death. These two are in a duo and are battling it out with all kinds of weaponry, and they do not fight fair. When they are at war, my brain goes into overdrive causing me to have racing thoughts that I cannot control, which result in me doing actions that are sometimes beyond my control. Sometimes they are just and sometimes they are unjust, but each one of my efforts and the choices I make come from the Mad Queen or the Queen of Hearts. When my brain is in overdrive, it feels like firecrackers going off back-to-back and they won't cease fire. Its like lighting bolts with no breaks in between. Sometimes I tell the Mad Queen and the Queen of Hearts to both shut up, but they never listen to me. They just keep throwing blows until I take my happy pills, and put them both to sleep. That’s the only time I ever get any peace up there.
Many battles are occurring during this war. One fight is heartbreak. This enduring match is still going on. Sometimes it seems like it's about to end, and then it starts right back up. Round after round. There have been a lot of casualties in this war, and I had to bury a lot of bodies. Some of their names I know, and some I don’t remember. There were a lot of tears and bloodshed, but somehow I manage to push through it and bury most of them. There are still a couple I have not disposed of, but I know I need too because they are starting to smell and are decomposing. When I say casualties, it means the people I had sexual encounters. Going through a heartbreak war is painful and can put your body in trauma as well as your mind, spirit, and emotions.
The doctors say Severe Depression with the possibility of Bipolar Disorder. I think I’m one great disorder, to be honest. It’s like I have three spirits living inside of me which to me is a living nightmare because you never know which one you are going to get for the day, or sometimes the second.
For the past couple of months, I have been feeling down and in this depressive state that I can’t seem to get out of. I’ve always dealt with depression since I was in grade school, but as I’ve gotten older the worse it gets. Some triggers can affect me such as a most recently a bad breakup with someone I was madly in love, maybe even infatuated with. His name was Richard, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I’ve only been in love three times that I can remember as of right now, and he was the third. Some people say the third times the charm, but oh how they were wrong. You see Richard was a musician and a father of three. So he had other priorities and obligations to fulfill besides fooling around with me here and there. However, I had no problem that he was always on the road or flying from state to state or country to country. I had no issue that his kids were first and his music was second. The only problem I had well… he left me for another woman. A celebrity to be exact, a legendary one. An icon. I can’t say her name because I got warned to watch my words and to be cautious. I’m not trying to end up missing or dead because I told the truth, something he couldn’t do for me. I don’t blame him for being with her. Any man would have gone to her. She got coins and the network, so of course, he would leave right? That was a pretty hard pill for me to swallow, so I decided to swallow other pills instead. Well, I almost took them. The Queen of hearts and my little brother saved me from making that permanent move, so that’s why I’m in this beautiful, fantastic, phenomenal, and thrilling psychiatric ward today, but we will get into those details a little later too.
Right now I am waiting outside the psychiatrist door to be seen and evaluated. This will be my first time meeting with him. I hear his name is Dr. Green. I don’t know what to say as to what is going on with me. Its hard to explain to a psychiatrist you’re going through a spiritual battle with three spirits living inside of you without sounding like you need to go into a padded room. Dr. Green just opened his office door and waved his hand for me to come in. Let me go in and try my best not to extend my stay here in this luxurious mental paradise resort.